Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
