The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
