Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
He had an itunes playlist named "def not Glee season 1" which contained all of Glee season 1
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
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