I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
You left your phone here
Wait...
Randomize
