I was born with a shot glass in my hand
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
found POGS while I was cleaning my room this morning. Definitely bringing them back to school to turn into a drinking game.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
BGSU move in weekend. Just passed a house w a beer pong table set up, ppl already playing, girls holding signs that say "son drop off". It's 10:30 am.
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
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