He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
Validation I posted a good pic? The lonely fuckboys send out the booty call signal. Of course I answered the call; Gotham needs its hero.
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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