my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
Every concussion has its silver lining
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
Randomize
