Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
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