I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
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