Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
i got shots of sambuca dumped on my head last night. my bag still smells like licorice. making me nauseous.
it is a nice little reminder of the bruins dominance. if Vancouver had won, it would somehow smell of maple syrup.
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize