1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
Randomize
