I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
Randomize
