If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
I dunno. The only plans I have for sure after finals are smoking a bowl and eating a 5 pound gummy bear. btw I bought a 5 pound gummy bear
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
Randomize
