Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
Sober January is a disaster.
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
