i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
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