Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
Randomize
