I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
Randomize
