Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
There is what appears to be urine on the woman's bathroom sink. I just have so many questions right now.
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
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