Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
Randomize
