I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
Randomize
