i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
No more Irish car bombs ever.
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Randomize
