I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
