My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
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