just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
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