sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
Randomize
