I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Redeem this text for a blowjob
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
Pants are for mortals
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
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