Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
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