My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
She just used a chaser for red wine.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
Randomize
