The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
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