My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
Randomize
