he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Randomize
