Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
Of course I have a pirate flag
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
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