I dont kno what was worse. Waking up 2 a guy next to me thinking I got blackout or realizing it was your boyfriend.
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
Randomize