if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
Randomize
