She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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