I think I can smell my own vagina right now
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
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