No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
Randomize
