I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
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