that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
Randomize
