i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
i came on her dog
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
Now back to adults eating hotdogs.
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
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