rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
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