I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize
