My girlfriend figured out who you are.
when im bored during the day i often think, what do people who dont get high do with their day.. i came to the conlcusion that everyone must be getting high
my girls lil sis wanted to play hide & seek. she told her 2 go hide. we went to the room and had sex. she was hiding under the bed.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
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