so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
you're in nursing school, now tell me what to do about a burned clit.
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
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