It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
Randomize
