alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
what color bed sheets say meditative warrior but also welcome to my sex dungeon...
navy blue
The fact that you have an answer to that is why we are friends...
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
Randomize
