I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
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