You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
Fuck appropriateness.
i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
Randomize
