i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
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