when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
I don't care how bad it tastes, i just put it in my mouth and deal with it
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
I think it may of been me pulling down my pants is why she walked away.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
