i just sent this text using only my big toe
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
I want to hump her dimples until her face caves in.
So many issues. You honestly need help.
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
