I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
get to allyx's house asap
Ok is everything ok
Yeah, theres just lesbians
omg yes on my way
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
Sorry about my life...
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
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