Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
Randomize