dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
