Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
