I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
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