I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
Randomize