Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
Randomize