Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
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