I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
Randomize
