I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
Randomize
