farters have to be the big spoon...
im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
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